Max Fosh | London Mayoral Candidate 2021

Policies

This is what I would do if I became London Mayor. I mean, it's totally not going to happen but it's always good to be prepared.

Transport

Introduction of fast and slow walking sections of pavements.
Stage the Annual Covent Garden Derby. A sprint from the bottom to the top of the stairs at Covent Garden Tube Station.
Banning people saying the phrase ‘this is the longest elevator in Europe’ at Angel Tube Station.
Carpet the M25 to make it the smoothest motorway in the world.
A wildcard system whereby everyone with a car can go through the ULEZ for free once a year if they really really need to.
All carriages on the DLR to be made into the front carriage of the DLR.
London drivers to have their own roads as they drive like utter mavericks.

The Environment

Put a seed in every cigarette butt in London.
Replace the Thames with sparkling water to get some more exotic fish in it. This will be paid for by all the people coming to the Thames to see the exotic fish.
London is a city with many parks, and 0 Jurassic parks. I will change this.

Policing

Change the siren of all police cars to Laurence Fox’s hit song ‘The Distance’. This will get people to move out the way 23% faster*.

Housing

Every household to be provided with a cow which will indicate whether it will rain. Thus, allowing you to have time to bring in the laundry.

Miscellaneous

An annual inter-borough sports day whereby funding for sports equipment and gyms is allocated in order of who does worst so they can get better for next year.
Get Chris Whitty a clicker so he doesn’t need to say ‘next slide please’
London does a version of the Tomatina festival, but with tinned tomatoes
Allow Nicolas Cage the opportunity to steal one document of importance from a national museum each year
Supermarket checkout attendants to rate your meal deal and have jurisdiction to offer discounts based on your score
A new high-speed rail link between Cambridge and London so my mates George and Mark can get to London really quickly.
Bimini Bon Boulash to be instated as Queen on the one day of the year in which a new season of UK Drag Race comes out.
Put Laurence Fox on the call back list for every acting job in London. Regardless whether he auditioned for the role or not. Let’s reclaim Laurence’s freedom to work.

*Not proven to be true